If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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