I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
