My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Randomize
