Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
