I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize
