Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
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