i think i recognize dicks better than faces
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
