If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
