My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
