I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
