I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
if i died would you start the facebook group?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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