Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
