my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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