There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
