I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
4 words: hood of his car
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
