I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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