Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
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