So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
