Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
