I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
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Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
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Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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