We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
