Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
