hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
My vagina is very pro this idea
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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