I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
