It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
