new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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