i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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