I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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