I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
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I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
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I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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