I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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