It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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