she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
