I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
