true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
