This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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