I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
His nipple licking is glorious
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
