I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
