what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
