There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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