I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Swine flu. Run for my life!
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
