if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Randomize
