I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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