Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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