she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
tuscaloosa is terrifying
like people here are just empty shells of drugs and sin
there is no mercy here
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
