I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
