awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
