Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
