I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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