There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
