Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
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She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Now some guy that's in my phone as " Alex lip ring hot" is texting me and I don't where life is taking me
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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