Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
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I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
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