I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
