Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
