im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
