i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
