somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
