just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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